home in movement

I have been slowly working my way towards becoming a runner. About 2 years ago, I started walking 4-5 times a week and then by last Christmas, I joined a gym and walking on the walking machine morphed into running. I’ve been running a steady 20-25 minutes a few times a week. Just recently, I knocked it up to 30 minutes and then one day last week, I decided to run for 40 minutes, but to my complete surprise, found that I didn’t need to stop. So I ran for 50 minutes. This experience was remarkable for me. I always have resistance when I start running, and I’m always counting the minutes and changing the speed of my run to keep my mind from completely taking over and pushing stop. It was as if everything was at a complete standstill. I was totally weightless, thoughtless, and happy.  I know this is probably no big deal to people who run all the time, it’s probably why they run…it’s the “zone” that everyone talks about, but oh my, it is such a wonderful place to be.

People find this stillness in all kinds of activity, meditation, sex, writing, dancing.  But really, it got me thinking. It got me thinking about this idea of stillness, in movement. Now, I grew up travelling. Every couple of years we’d get sent to another part of the world. As a result, I get feeling like I need to move every couple of years.  For the past 8 years, I’ve been looking at the restlessness I get, to move houses, to take planes, to live in St. Maartin or Kenya or India or Vancouver, as this thing I have to fight against. I hear myself saying, “I really want to move, but I’m staying here, I have to be here”. And when I say it, I really feel this deep pain. LIke sheesh, I really just want to go somewhere. But finding this peace in the middle of running might give me permission to start moving.

3…

3 days until I turn 40. 

No deep revelations these past few days. I’m just trying to enjoy myself and it is easy to do as I sit at the cabin beside the lake. 

 

5

5 days until I turn 40.

I don’t feel 40, or what I thought it would feel like to be 40. But then again, maybe I do. 

I feel the same way that I felt when I went back to school in Grade 5, and noticed how the hairs on my arms got raised whenever they were close to the back of the chair. I can remember being 7, 10 , 12, 20, 28, 35 so clearly. But, I also feel 40. I feel like I’ve learned so much, experienced so much, and I’m trying to find a way to express it. 

I think if I find a way to express it, I will like being 40.

7…

7 days until I turn 40 and the last thing I want to do right now is write this entry. I just feel lazy and tired and uninspired. 

One of the things that I’ve been doing every few weeks as part of these life changing times, is talk to a life coach. I’ve been talking with him lately about my martyr syndrome. The thing that makes me say yes to everything, no matter the inconvenience and no matter that I’m full of resentment after saying yes.  

To balance this, or maybe to shed light on in, my coach has suggested that I do one thing every day that is selfish. I’m struggling to know what that looks like. 

I feel like its selfish to go for my morning walk when I could be on the computer working. I feel like its selfish to make a really delicious breakfast. Is it selfish to go shopping for all the delicious fruits and veggies that I love.  I’m struggling over here. What is the difference between selfish and extravagant? Is getting a massage selfish? 

I’m going to ask him for some advice, do you have any?

 

9…

9 days until I turn 40.

I am getting tired of this count down. I’ve realized, I don’t much care that I’m turning 40, I care more about the attention it brings to where I am now in my life. I like how turning 40 is creating a pause time in my life. I think that’s what I like about birthdays in general. This one just feels like it needs to be a bigger pause time.  

All the lived life of the past 40 years has led me to exactly the right place.  I am right here, right now. 9 days until I am 40.

10…

10 days until I turn 40.

I was talking to a friend today about how whenever someone close asks what I want for my birthday, I say “oh nothing, I don’t need anything.”  But really, I do want something. This happens every year, I say I don’t want a big deal. I think, oh I’ll organize something, but then I don’t. 

So, this year, I think I am going to say yes, please organize something for me, and this is what I’d like.  And, I’m also going to do things for myself that I love doing.

 I will not hide my need to be celebrated this year.

 

13…

13 days until I turn 40.

I’m feeling full of possibility. This birthday time feels like an end of the old and somehow, the beginning of something new. Perhaps it is because of all this mushing about in my head that I have doing, all this self work, thinking and planning and dreaming, but I’m about ready to start doing.  I’m ready to go for it. 

Besides this, I had a most delicious Ethiopian meal with nasinya which I believe highlights how I am transitioning into a spontaneous and fun time of life. We spent a terrifically long time in the car today because of taking the long route home and then ending up in traffic. We were so very hungry and thought Ethiopian would be perfect. So, as soon as we got off the highway, we called the restaurant, ordered and then drove directly there to pick it up. Grabbed the bag and within minutes were happily scarfing down our dinner at the kitchen table. So much fun! 

Bring on the magic.

15…

15 days until I turn 40.

That means almost two weeks until I turn 40. I’m feeling blue these days about this and I don’t know exactly why. I think it’s because I can remember my father’s 44th birthday celebration (which is awfully close to 40) and I think he had done so much by then.  I may be having this what am I doing with my life thing going on.

I’m going to sit with this for a while.

15…

15 days until I turn 40.

Feeling down and out and hard done by today. I’m realizing how good I feel when I have the space in my life to take care of myself, and how badly it feels when those things get lost in the loopholes.  

I suppose it really is up to me to make a schedule that actually supports me.  I guess I could just block off times in the day, making it difficult for phone calls, or meetings to be scheduled. But there is a part of me that likes to be free all the time, that likes to please, that likes to say yes.  

I am going to practice blocking off parts of my calendar and not scheduling anything in there. Saying no, sorry I’m not free until….I shall give a report of how that goes.

love.

all of a sudden it’s 16…

16 days until I turn 40. 

Got to say I’m struggling today. Have been going non-stop since Friday morning, and feeling exhausted. Have I had time to be present? Maybe. Do I wish for those lazy days last week when I was able to walk and do yoga as well as work? Yes. Not sure what the message in the past few days has been, except I did come across an astrological reading on Mysticmamma.com which suggested that this next month would be a time of expansion, discipline and magic. I’m thinking the non-stop business of the past four days has been expansion. I’ve said yes to teaching yoga and taught maybe 5 classes since Friday. I’ve said yes to helping people out who needed rides.  I’ve also said yes to attending meetings that I would have normally said no. In a sense, lot’s of expansion. Now is the time to get disciplined about finding the things to keep me from freaking out in the midst of this business. And then, to also expect magic.

adios…